So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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