im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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