Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
