Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
