i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
