Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
