My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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