why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just high enough for therapy.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
