i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
