My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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