we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
