When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
