I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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