The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
