Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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