Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
