Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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