does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He felt like a one man threesome
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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