Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
