Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
