I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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