now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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