I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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