Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
