I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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