It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
