My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
