I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
