the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
