I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
