never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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