New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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