Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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