k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
These tits shall not be calmed
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