I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
50% drunk capacity currently
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
