I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
