Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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