There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
