The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
