apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
