I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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