I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
