This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
