shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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