just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
They are going to name an STD after you.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
