tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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