Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
