Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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