youre lurking in front of me
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
