in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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