I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
